So, I have this friend.  Let's call her K. 

For about 2 years, K and I were very tight, always telephoning, meeting for lunch, etc.

And I know this sounds stupid and petty, but meeting my girlfriends for lunch is really important to me.  Like, unreasonably important.

But I don't get a lot of time to just be with my friends - lunch is a time when I am not hampered by work or children.

(And because judges pretty much never schedule hearings between 11:45 and 1:30, on at least 3 days out of five, it's safe to say I am free for lunch.  Maybe it has to be a quick lunch near the courthouse, but it's doable.)

(For f**k's sake I'm rambling about lunch.)

Anyway, for the last 18 months, K has been continuously cancelling our lunch dates.  Like, we've probably made 18 dates for lunch, and she's actually showed up to two of them.  It had gotten so I started bringing back up lunches to my office on days I had a lunch date with her because I knew she would cancel.

Yesterday, stupid me, I instant messaged her to say good morning, and she said "I figured you'd have given up on me by now." 

I IM'd back, "?"

And she said, "I'm a shitty friend.  I'm trying really hard to make "me" time to keep my stress level down."

So...meeting me for lunch (when we both work downtown, three blocks from eachother) - is stressful?  And she's so busy she can't meet me for some f**king soup?

So, I'm over it, I think.

Until today, her husband's facebook status is a photo of K, at lunchtime, at the YACHT CLUB (so, at least a 20 minute drive from downtown) - having a drink and doing some ridiculous craft project.

So...she's so damn busy that meeting me for lunch a block and a half from her office is impossible on 16 of our last 18 lunch dates, but she has time to drive out to the damn yacht club at lunch time to paint a picture frame???

I'm done.  I am so beyond done.  I'm lucky that I have several other girlfriends who are not assholes.  I'm not sure if I should call her out about this or just let the friendship fade away.  Right now I'm pissed (so I'm typing this, which now that I am re-reading it makes it sound like I am in the 10th grade and not a 30-something woman with a job and a family...Shallow much?)

Sorry if you took the time to read through this whole ridiculous post.  I'm just...mad.  And my feelings are hurt.  (Again hello, am I a grown up or not???)



From: [identity profile] celtic-flicka.livejournal.com


If I were in your shoes, I would just write her off. It's one thing if she was just a flake--you could tell her that the constant cancellings were making you feel bad and doubt the friendship, and it might change her behavior. But the craft thing? An intentional blowoff. She's being a bitch, and telling her that she hurt your feelings isn't going to make her have some big epiphany.

I would be pissed too, if I were you, but she's not worth your time, IMO.

From: [identity profile] afrocurl.livejournal.com


I'm with J on this one, she's not worth it. Blow her off and focus on the friends who don't bail 90 percent of the time.

From: [identity profile] dragynflies.livejournal.com


I'd be pissed too, I don't think you lose any Grown Up cred for being ticked off by her not showing up. And if she's trying to make me time, then she shouldn't be making damn lunch dates anyway.

I'd have lunch with you if we lived anywhere near each other.

As for her, I'd let her fade away...and then if she pops back and wants to have lunch you can say "Oh, I thought you were too busy" and blink all wide eyed. (Okay, sometimes I act like a child too. I'm waiting for Joe to realize he's been a douche and try to talk to me so I can open up a can of "things I've been wanting to say for ages." So maybe I don't give great advice.)

From: [identity profile] celtic-flicka.livejournal.com


then if she pops back and wants to have lunch you can say "Oh, I thought you were too busy" and blink all wide eyed.

This is an excellent idea!
ext_62674: KB in Reefer Madness (angel cordy grrr)

From: [identity profile] wily-one24.livejournal.com


Unfortunately, I have to agree. Let this one go.

If you've made eighteen dates and she's made it to maybe two of them, then I'm sorry but she's treating you like a back up plan and believes you're always going to be there.

Maybe she "admitted" to being a bad friend, but that doesn't change her actions at all. It only makes her a douche, because she *knows* it.

Start saying "no" to her plans sometimes. "I'm not available" and even a "I don't want to" now and again.

Let her know that you're time is just as valuable as hers. And if she can't respect that (and you) then she can stick it.

From: [identity profile] medjunkie.livejournal.com


I'm with the majority on this one, if she can't make time for your friendship, then she's not a good friend, ergo it's time for you to let that friendship sail.

From: [identity profile] medjunkie.livejournal.com


I'm with the majority on this one, if she can't make time for your friendship, then she's not a good friend, ergo it's time you to let that frienship sail.

From: [identity profile] boobsnotbombs.livejournal.com


Bollocks.

You have every right to be upset (though I am admittedly closer to my 10th grade self than you are to yours). I do not think expecting friends to be reliable is particularly childish, and anyone's feelings would be hurt in this situation.

And this is coming from someone who is a notorious flake! Now I've just gotten to the point where I don't make plans with people, because I know I will not feel up to it. But that doesn't mean that I'm lounging on the yacht while said plans would be taking place. It usually means I can't get up out of bed.

I agree with the others. Cut her loose.

From: [identity profile] p2880.livejournal.com


I have a different take on the situation but I agree with all comments above that you should let the friendship go.

I would take her at her word. Your friend is stressed out. She's decided that lunchtime is her "me" time. ANY obligation including friendship during that time impinges on personal time. Maybe she is like you and that is the only non-work or non-family time she has. She can't handle a friendship with you now. Let her go. If she ever is in a place when she wants to be friends again, you can decide whether you would welcome her or whether you have moved on from that place in your life.
.

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